Planeswalker Portal #7: Magic Is Serious Business

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Magic: The Gathering is a life and death struggle where Planeswalkers battle it out in an all out war of who is the strongest, smartest, and most cunning wielder of the five colors of mana will survive.   Bah, who I am kidding?  It’s a bloody card game!  Just pieces of paper with pretty card images on it, you can’t really find the outcome of the mulitverse.  It is just played by a bunch of shut ins that will never find a girl and delude themselves in this pointless game as they spend what little money they get from their sad little jobs (or still beg for money from their moms even when they are 25) and fill some sort of void in their sad, pathetic lives.

So why am I writing articles for Magic then?  I am using this dumb game to launch my writing career and becoming a novelist, but hey, you got to start at the bottom and, man, this is the bottom of the barrel.  But it was the only position available here on NerdVice so guess I’m stuck covering this waste of a hobby.

Alright, in all seriousness (or am I?!) Magic is not without a sense of humor and Wizards has done two sets of cards that are so goofy, over the top and nuts that you can never play them in any real format save a causal game or in its own sets, named the Un-sets, called Unglued and Unhinged.  The first set, Unglued introduced Magic players satirical takes on some of the popular cards as well as some truly off the wall cards that would break most normal Magic games or make the players do  extremely silly things during the match.  Here are some of those cards I find the most wacky from Unglued.

The Cheese Stands Alone

The Cheese Stands Alone is a very strange card indeed.  Forcing the player to pretty much destroy or sacrifice everything on your side until you have the greatest cheese that stands alone and win the game.  What is really interesting about this card though, they actually reprinted it in a REAL Magic set!  Reborn as Barren Glory!

Looking at this, it is literally the same color, same cost, same type and same ability!  Those crazy folks at Wizards!  Though to be fair, in Barren Glory’s set (Future Sight) it actually fits pretty well with the post-apocalyptic setting and seeking some sort of safe haven from the damaged world of Dominaria.  I still have to wonder though, is that temple out there made of a tasty cheese perhaps?  Mmmm, temple cheese…ummm, be right back, need to find a huge chunk of cheese suddenly…

Ashnod’s Coupon

When playing a long game or two of Magic, you tend to get really thirsty and need some liquid refreshment.  Of course, why take the risk of getting up for a drink when your opponent can take a sneak peek at your hand, taking your hand with you and risk them getting wet (although you should have them in selves you damn newb!!) or worse, having to actually get up and get a soda when you are nice and comfy in your chair, pfft, screw that!!  Thus the beauty of Ashnod’s Coupon.  With this handy little artifact, all those problems are gone and you can force you opponent to get you a nice glass of milk, soda or boiler maker.  Of course you still need to cover any cost if needed, no moochers here!  And you sneaky little minors out there, don’t be thinking this is a way to get you a free beer, even the powers of Magic cannot fight against the laws of your countries.

B.F.M. (Big Furry Monster)

The biggest monster that Magic has ever had, so big, just one card could not contain it!!  Before the scary big, bad Eldrazi from the Zendikar set, there was the Big Furry Monster.  I’m sorry I can’t…write anymore about this card because well….he scares me….he really does…lets move on, quick!!!

Blacker Lotus


Finishing the insanity in Unglued we have Blacker Lotus, a card that you literally have to destroy to use it.  Yes, you get four mana for nothing, but really, is it worth it?  I just looked up the price for this card, for near mint one is about at least $3.50 a pop!  Granted, you can put it back together by tapping or gluing (Hah, glue, Unglued, get it?! Ok, I’ll smack myself for that) it back together and use it again but wow, not sure if it’s worth it, but this is Unglued so this is par for the course.  Let’s move on to Unglued’s younger brother, Unhinged for more nonsense!

Red-Hot Hottie


Now there have been art of some hot looking gals in Magic, but this is certainly the hottest card you could play.  It also forces the player that is hit by this combustible babe will for sure make you scream, but not for joy as she is burning your creatures with those nasty third-degree counters and must scream at the top of your lungs or they will die a horrible, burning death.  Of course, in doing so, you may get a nasty case of laryngitis in the process.

Mox Lotus


Your deck lacking a good amount of mana?  No?  You sure?  Come on!  You can always use more!!  And this little gem will make damn sure you can play just about anything and of any color combination you wish as well!!  Course there isn’t really a card that is too expensive to really find this card useful, right?



Oh, ok, guess I was wrong.   So with all the new-found mana you can then pretty much take over the entire game and decided what spell or ability hits who.  Yes, your friend will hate you and will never probably want to play with you again but…no wait, that’s horrible, why would want to do that?  Well I mean, if you don’t want anymore friends then that’s cool I guess.

Richard Garfield, Ph.D.


To finish up this article, we must talk about this - perhaps the most cracked out, crazy, batty, wacky, out of control card in existence.  Named after the creator of the game, he has the power to make ANY card into a Magic card.  That’s right, regular playing cards? Baseball cards? Gift cards? Birthday cards?!  All have the untapped (Hah! Untapped! Another pun!!! I slay me!!) potential just waiting to be released.  So grab that unused gift card that your aunt gave you to that clothing store you hate or that signed rookie Cal Ripken Jr. into a Grizzly Bear, the possibilities people!!

And with that, this will be the last article I write for this stupid game.  I mean really, how am I, a great writer, going to be taken seriously and earn my Pulitzer Prize with writing about this inane dribble?!  Guess I have to pay to bills somehow though.  Wait, I am not getting paid for this at all!!  I’m finished and will be moving on to greater things, forget this small time website.  ”NERD VICE” oh how clever…I’m finished with you plebs.

So long, losers!!

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About NeoJames82

Justin "NeoJames82" Schuber is lover of many things geeky and a follower of Magic: The Gathering for almost a decade. In his spare time he plays all sorts of PC and console games, tabletop RPGs and loves to write as well.