A Chris X Movie Review: The Beaver

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Recently, I’ve delved into movie reviews. While I prefer comic reviews, I’ve seen an unbelievable amount of terrible movies lately - but none was so bizarre and absolutely strange as The Beaver. Vira Gunn and I recently watched this together. Evidently, we’re some sort of self-loathing masochists.

Is it just me or does even the freaking puppet look surprised a company actually produced this migraine of a film?

This was Mel Gibson’s second big movie since his DUI, domestic violence, and his various drunken prejudice remarks that brought him to a level of crazy that Tom Cruise hasn’t even been able to match yet. His last movie was a terrible flick called Edge of Darkness, an environmental message movie disguised as an action movie. Edge of Darkness still rates as one of my least favorite movies of all time. So, I was going into The Beaver with little expectations.

This movie did so much more than somehow manage to disappoint me - don’t get me wrong, it was bad - but on top of it being bad, it was just fucking bat-shit insane. Like Mel Gibson. Did he direct this thing too? Surprisingly, no. It was directed by Jodie Foster, who has proved herself as bat-shit as Gibson for both staring and directing a movie that’s just so…bat-shit. I’m sorry I keep using that word but it is the best way to describe this movie.

The premise? Mel Gibson is a depressed head of company that MAKES TOYS FOR KIDS. How could anyone be depressed when their job is to put stuff on the shelf at Toy’s R Us? Our depressed hero leaves his home and goes off to kill himself, but right before he does the world this favor, the Beaver puppet that’s he’s wearing (that he found earlier in a dumpster…seriously) begins talking to him. In an Australian accent.

The beaver puppet tells Gibson that he’s come to save his life … and then Gibson begins living through the puppet. For the rest of the movie. This is about as odd as it sounds. There are scenes of Gibson showering with it. And, weirder than anything else, there is threesome between Foster, Gibson, and the puppet. What!?!?!

I really can’t delve more into the plot because there really wasn’t there. It’s absurd as it sounds. There’s a subplot between Anton Yelchin (playing Mel Gibson’s son) and Jennifer Lawrence; but there’s really not a whole lot there either! Anton’s character is completely unlikeable and spends a majority of the movie slamming his head into the wall of his room (seriously). Jennifer Lawrence plays his love interest and is nice to look at if nothing else.

This movie was trying really hard to be deep and took an idiotic route to get there. I will suggest this movie, only if you want something good to riff on; but if you’re looking for a quality movie, pass this up.

Also, I watched this with Vira Gunn. Let’s see what sort of scathing criticisms she has for this magical piece of cinema:

It sucked. I hated myself for watching it. Mel Gibson makes me want to retch. Also, the puppet must have been very moldy. He never really washed it properly despite the things he engaged in with it. Blegh.

Truer words have never been spoken, folks.

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  3. The Chris X Files: Green Lantern
  4. The Chris X Files: Brimstone and the Borderhounds
  5. Who is Chris X?

About ChrisX

Comic geek, addicted gamer, future murse, and sometimes a writer. The three coolest things ever are X-Men, Back to the Future, and Doctor Who. Just saying. You should be awesome and follow me on twitter. http://twitter.com/ChrisX104